***This temper tantrum is brought to you by the rude oafs I found myself surrounded by at two performances over the weekend.***
Step 1: Be confused about what type of show you’re attending.
No, really. It’s fun! Peek around at all of the people seated quietly. Take in the dresses and suits. Note the high proportion of grey heads. Maybe peer into the orchestra pit and notice all of those fancy instruments. And then determine that you must be at a Skrillex show. Surely there’s a mosh pit somewhere. You just need to keep looking!
Step 2: Talk. A lot. About stuff no one cares about.
The people you’re with need to know about the chicken you had for dinner right now. Right now! It’s your moral obligation to tell them. Make sure you talk loudly enough that the people around you hear, too. They want to know!
Sure, it may seem like you’re disregarding the hundreds upon hundreds of hours of practice and preparation that enormously talented artists, dancers, musicians, and stage crews underwent to bring you this performance, but that’s okay! That chicken thing is really important. More important than all of that work and talent. (Especially if it’s a high school performance! Geez, what do those kids know about hard work anyway, right?)
Oh, and totally don’t worry about the people around you who paid good money to hear beautiful music. They’re really more interested in that chicken thing, too.
Step 3: Eat loud snacks!
When you’re all done talking about your chicken (and lots of other mundane things that really are of infinite interest to the audience members surrounding you), go ahead and eat some more!
But don’t eat just anything! No. You need to eat something loud. Something with a crinkly wrapper. Something that involves a lot of bobble-headed, cow-style chewing. Perhaps some peanut butter crackers will do the trick! Yes, that’s the thing.
I know there are signs all over the theater asking you to enjoy your concessions in the lobby, but they don’t really mean that. That sign is for other people. Not you. Nuh-uh. You can enjoy your loud snacks whenever and wherever you would like. You are special!
Step 4: Arrive late.
Not just late. Really late. Like halfway into Act 1. Yeah, that should do it. You didn’t really want to see this thing anyway, right?
But just being late isn’t enough. No, sir! You also need to disregard that whole notion of standing quietly at the back or side of the theater until an appropriate moment to sit down arises. (Intermission, perhaps?) Nope, standing around is for losers. And you are not a loser. As a famous scene is taking place on stage, you should demand that half a row of the audience stand up so that you can make your way to your seat. Who cares about the people in that row or the rows behind them? Don’t they know that you are special?!?
Step 5: Screaming children are awesome!
There’s really no reason to not bring a baby to a night performance. I mean, the baby crowd is really known for their appreciation of the ballet, and the screaming just adds a little je ne sais quoi for everyone. Definitely do that.
You are special and your baby is special, too. Bring the baby out…past bedtime to an overstimulating environment. Brilliant!
Step 6: Don’t clap. And, for goodness sakes, do not stand up for an ovation!
It’s just a bunch of people parading around on stage in silly outfits, right? They ought to be clapping for you just for showing up! In fact, you just sit there with a look on your face that indicates you just smelled something unpleasant while the whole rest of the audience claps for you. You are worth it!
And that’s it. In six easy steps, you can make your obnoxious jerk weasel dreams come true! Let me know how it works out for you!